Who do I gotta screw to get some oatmeal?

I'm wondering how I can manage to string together so many unsuccessful attempts at dating. And before you say anything; keep in mind I'm aware that I'm a large part of it so the "well, maybe it's you" thing is all but punch-in-the-face obvious at this point. It's just surprising that I haven't accidentally stumbled across someone who has the traits that accompany my personality. Let me explain.

So I've been dating the same girl as previously discussed in the post below (the one with the penny), and I assumed things were going pretty good. Then I get the phone call. You know, the one where the person wants to know what we "are" and "aren't". I hate these conversations as they almost always end what never had the chance to start. I inform said girl that I like her a lot and would like to date her more often. She has no problem with it except she brings up the fact I haven't made a move on her yet. Just for your information ladies, bringing this up will also almost assuredly hurt the situation as well (now I know what you're saying; you need clarification, but we've been on three dates. It wasn't as if I had been dating her for months and dragging her on). Fast forward to today when I call her to garner some further clarification, but alas, now she doesn't want to discuss "this", yet it was fine to discuss the exact same thing three days prior..all of a sudden it's not the same thing; surprise.

Basically, in a nutshell, I'm told that "If she's the one that I want, I should just take it, and don't worry about if she'll want it or not". I'm sure we'd all love that ladies except YOU CANNOT HAVE THAT! Not if you want a good guy at least. The guys that pull you to them, whisper things that make you tingly, then screw you, or suck on your tongue on the first date..newsflash...are the ones that don't call you back, or perhaps the ones that call you weeks later with some lame excuse to as why they haven't called you more frequently (I'm sure you can think of one or two of these phone calls). I inform said girl I care about her, I respect her, and given the conversation the night before where she informed me "She didn't want to force things" ( which I also misinterpreted apparently), I gave her what every girl deserves; a guy who cares about her. I may act slow, stumble, or seem like I'm in unchartered waters but I'm not..I do this because I care about your feelings. I'm a man, trust me I know how to grab you and force myself upon you-it's genetically programmed into us. I also know how to play the game (I grew up with only women), what I could do is play it aloof. When she says "well maybe it's you that doesn't like me" I could just agree..let her stew for a couple of days-but that's not me. I could grab her close, kiss her deeply and look into her eyes-also programmed-but there were no moments to do it. Two out of the three dates were in the middle of a graveyard. Please, don't ask. She then calls me a little girl and asks me if my butt hurts because I'm whining, which she shoves off as an excuse to "lighten the mood". I navigate this fairly well and don't really respond to it, mainly because I think she's a cool girl, and two because after calling me a little girl I wanted to throw a cup of hot cocoa directly in the vicinity of her facial area-I had to suppress that feeling.

In the end it would seem the expiration date has finally curdled the milk that is in my Cap'n Crunch. She's a great girl (from what I saw from three dates...and minus the phone conversation in which she called me a little girl) and I'm sure she'll find the guy she's looking for (even though the previous ones that fit that mold of what she wants have disappointed her). I once compared her to Cap'n Crunch...sweet and delicious with french toast..what I forgot..is that while Cap'n Crunch is a delicious treat...it also tears the roof of your mouth to shreds. Fuck it, I'm switching to oatmeal.

In closing I don't want this post misconstrued; This girl is amazing. She's loads of fun and if there's any guy out there I know that would fit her ideal guy mold I'd gladly send him her way..it's just..I wish she made even the smallest bit of sense to me :-)


-Fin

Proof that I make a difference in the world

So I wrote an open letter to the St Petersburg Times, challenging them to put good news on one of their front pages for two days in a row here is the letter I sent;

I've been reading your publication just shy of every day for the past five years and figured I'd throw my hat into your "opinion" column. I've read as people supported Obama, then McCain. Read about opinions on the bailouts, the economy, and most recently the PSC. I have no opinion on any of these topics as, unfortunately for us, we have no choice in the matter. What I have for you and your editors is a challenge. A challenge that will display just how much you truly care for your subscribing Bay area residents. The challenge is; Happiness. I have not picked up your publication without seeing some kind of dire news. The economy crumbling beneath us, rapists, corrupt state officials or yet another gay rights exchange. The only good news that does makes the front page (when there is any), comes in the form of the Rays making the World Series, or how many yards Earnest Graham notched against the Chiefs.

My challenge for the editors of the Times is simple; Put an uplifting story, photo, or acknowledgment on the front page of your publication for two days in a row. I understand you are an outlet of the news, and as such you must report the news as it arrives but perhaps for a few days we all need to see a little good in the world. People volunteering at shelters, a student making a difference..anything. And please if you cannot accommodate this by all means contact me. I'll do it free of charge. I'm not crazy and I'm not dillussional, I'm just a 25 year old wise enough to know that with the bad comes the good and with the greedy come the generous. I don't expect you to acknowledge this letter, let alone print it, but if you care about the people that read and subscribe to your newspaper you'll give them two days of something to look forward to. Thank you for your time.



On Wednesday November 19th, this editorial will appear on the front page of the Times "Tampa Bay" section;




"Brighten up, it could be worse" a Times editorial:

It's not easy for Floridians these days. There are mounting job losses, home foreclosures and empty storefronts. Property values are still dropping, and utility bills are rising. Universities are crowded, and theme parks and hotels are not.

Brighten up. It could be worse.

In California, thousands of homeowners have evacuated because of wildfires that have destroyed hundreds of homes. The Golden State also faces an $11-billion state budget deficit this year. Florida avoided being hit by major hurricanes this season. The Sunshine State's budget deficit is big — but not that big.

In Nebraska, legislators are in special session rewriting a safe haven law for children. They goofed by not setting an age limit, and nearly three dozen children — most older than 10 — have been dropped off at hospitals by parents or guardians. Florida didn't make that mistake; its safe haven law is limited to newborns up to 7 days old.

In Minnesota, a hand recount of nearly 3-million votes is expected in the unresolved U.S. Senate race between Republican incumbent Norman Coleman and Democrat Al Franken. Coleman leads at the moment by more than 200 votes, but there are charges of voter irregularities and unaccounted votes. That sounds all too familiar to Floridians who lived through the 2000 presidential recount.

So while these are tough times in Florida and the weather is a little chilly, look on the bright side. Floridians are not dealing with deadly wildfires, unfathomable state budget deficits, abandoned teens or another vote recount. The election's over, the holidays are approaching and there is no snow in the forecast. It could be worse.

I changed something..remember this day..REMEMBER

the link to the story is here

A penny for your...date?

NOTE: I've moved my blog to a new home: Blogger.com. I have not carried over any past entries as I've decided to begin fresh. It was in no way based on the fact that I've been given perks based on my last blog's success. In no way shape or form have I decided to write for the preeminent name in internet blogging because of their excellent format, html workability, and the fact that they sprinkle every blog with just a pinch of baby dreams..it was purely coincidental


I went on a date last night. I dickered with the idea of dragging that sentence out longer but figured, in my journalistic prowess, keeping it short and to the point was the only viable option if I wanted to maintain my "creative edge". You see, as a writer, we're all striving to harness that "creative edge" that will ultimately lead to some hounds-tooth adorned dean of some eerily quaint, most likely heavily wooded, liberal arts college (Sarah Lawrence I'm gazing lovingly in your direction) knocking on my door and offering me a job. I would teach the hopelessly unimagined wealthy elite how to write, and more importantly, how to make it mean something. This however has nothing to do with my date nor the story


I went on a date last night. There it is again..doesn't it sound so powerful? It was actually a successful date in my opinion on account of three major factors;

1) We went to a movie (it's near impossible to mess up a movie date)

2) Awkward silences were limited to a single digit number

3) I'm fairly certain she now knows I'm awesome (I've at least planted the seed)


Many women wouldn't be appreciative of me exposing them on a date so the other party will remain anonymous, except for the fact that she's blonde..and not a communist, but once again that's not the point of the story. After the movie we went to the beach and did one of those obligatory "walks". You know, the ones where it's clear that neither side is at all interested in walking, or the beach for that matter, yet you do it anyway because it's so much easier than suggesting you'd like to sit on a bench, eat ring pops and make fun of the homeless? That kind of walk. After the stroll, as we were on the way to the car, I looked down at the sidewalk and saw possibly the greatest thing-a shiny penny.
Now I know a lot of you may be saying; "Matt, you're on a date with a great girl..why are you fixated on a penny?", and to that I retort; "Well, you're talking to a blog so why don't you just be quiet and let me finish the tale...k?" The reason why this penny was so important was simply because it was unnecessary. I was having a really great time, and yet the powers at be decided it would be nice to drop a shiny penny right in front of me! Who doesn't enjoy a shiny penny?! If I had to guess, I bet only Cobra Commander would be unimpressed with a shiny penny!

The point of this story is that we're all looking for our penny, a representation that sometimes the stars just seem to align for you. Pennies can come in the form of luck, good news, a negative STD test..or in my case..a date. Now that it's over I can be honest; I wasn't really looking forward to a date. I've been mixing with women lately like Grandmas and wet sex. However, after the 2 hour movie (in which I don't think I actually said a word to her), the walk..and finally the penny..I realized that there, on that sidewalk near the beach was exactly where I was supposed to be. After that we ate mozzarella sticks, and I'm fairly certain, threatened an old waitress with violence. Oh and I left the penny on the sidewalk....leave it for the next clueless guy.



P.S. "Zack & Miri make a porno" was fun..albeit a little romantically forced.